My latest achievement from Gears of Wars 2 is “Am I only Dreaming?”
Right now I’m wondering if this is another dream: my life goes and comes between Transmilenio stations. There are fixed routes that you can look in the charts to know where to go. Three years later, I’m still feeling “Lost in Transition”. Not knowing if I have to go back or continue but not knowing which is the bus that takes me to my final destination.
Before submitting in Law School I knew that I was going on that path not because I wanted, but because I wanted to learn the rules of society and use them to my advantage and from keeping others off taking advantage from me.
Despite my need to be strong and powerful I couldn’t endure. Deep inside I already knew that getting good grades on one of (if not) the most important universities in Colombia. I knew that was not that difficult for me. I simply quit.
It seems I’m talented on quitting and not reaching my goals: v.gr. no more swimming, no more karate, nor Judo, nor Radio journalism as a kid, nor participating in literature contests, nor writing. Everything no more.
Lots of days without exposing myself to the daylight, cultivating depression, more laziness and therefore poverty. My parents were disappointed and worried, especially my dad: “Are you sick?”, “What’s your problem?”, “Are you ‘marica’?”, “Are you crazy?”, “What are you going to do with your life?” … I still remain silent.
As a lawyer, my dad was suspecting that the cause of my so called “crisis” was the ‘game theory’ he caught me reading late one night. I had to tell what I was reading and with which purpose, he supported me but he was suspecting: Mystery was depressed in ‘The Game’. He blamed that secret community, he blamed my “friends” from the internet forums, he especially blamed that self proclaimed seduction master “Naxos”. He wanted me back on track no matter the cost and the constant arguments.
The above has been told by me to psychologists and psychiatrist with more or less grade of detail. For them, what I was going through was a symptom of something from my past.
They’ve made me repeat my memories. I’m now tired of them. I’m tired of not knowing what is wrong with me nor knowing what I want to do with my life. I haven’t yet discarded any possibility.
Could be some kind of trauma that I don’t remember?
Could be those years my father spent in Peru defending “El Compadre” in an extradition process due to drug traffic charges?
Could be my accident when 5 years old that left me with an unfixable broken nose?
Could be the kidney disease I inherited from dad?
Could be the year my dad spent in the clinic after the kidney transplant that could have killed him?
[Right now, as I’m writing this on my journal, my mother and father are in my room telling me to go to bed. It’s 1:00 a.m. in the morning. My non sleeping habit, according to them; harms psychological health].
[Mom brought me warm milk with albahaca to help me sleep]
Could be my overprotective mother?
Could be all those years I didn’t play with the kids of my age, instead I spent those years at home playing videogames, reading books and watching tv?
Could be my myopia and astigmatism causing me to wear glasses?
Could be the times dad beat me with a leather belt?
Could be my nails eating?
Could be my weak body?
Could be the fights between my dad and my grandmother because she disrespects his authority?
Could be all those times in high school when I didn’t go to the school or left early to play Halo 2 alone or with a friend?
Could be the weeks spent at home doing nothing more than sleeping, playing xbox, jerking off and arguing with my parents about my life and my career?
It seems I was going back to the station of depression. Months after quitting Law School I decided to go back to classes. I met some girls in the Transmilenio (not in the classes), had a ONS and continued my life with medication: blue pills to control my mood changes not the others created by Pfzer to make the girls happy.
In college I was doing mediocre. I didn’t’ care about my grades or about learning. I’ts me or teamwork sucks? It’s me or I’m a bad leader? I only cared about at leat doing something with my life, meeting girls in the Transmilenio to become better with women and fucking one or two occasionally but not the ones I really liked.
Until I invited this girl (I was attracted to her several years before reading game stuff) to help me with my college schedule before last semester. We ended programming my classes and we fucked. Not too long after we changed our relationship status in Facebook.
In those same vacations I travelled to San Andrés because a girl I had met invited me. I slept with her but she remained virgin (as she said). Before coming back to Bogotá, we accorded to not meet again because I already had a ‘girlfriend’. She was the “Chica del Transmilenio”.
I fucked my fathers secretary who’s 44 years old. I kssed a girl I had already fucked last year and I kept meeting girls in Transmilenio but nothing more has happened with them.
My “girlfriend” and I had this kind of relationship for 5 months (July-November)that was interrupted by our Universities and because I didn’t want t be kissing her ass as other guys kiss hers, I kept my distance from her. I didn’t call her for weeks and our relationship became more distant. We “broke up” very calmly, no tears nor sadness, just one last raw dog fuck.
I’ve finished this last semester. My grades aren’t good. I didn’t put the enough effort. Instead of doing the assignments I was reading Game and MRM blogs, playing Xbox and procrastinating my responsibilities.
I’m isolated as before. I haven’t met new girls in Transmilenio, my “friends” are away, and in my University I can spend days without talking to no one. I was distracted with videogames, tired of not sleeping enough and losing hours in Transmilenio.
I’m feeling going back to the same problems and crisis. I prefer loneliness and resignation; lazyness and irresponsibility. But not anymore…
To fight this situation I’ve read PUA stuff, I’ve done “daygame”, I’ve read a novels and I’ve even considered enrolling in the army (I’m not physically apt). I don’t want to lose time anymore, I want to become somebody important, powerful, charismatic. To achieve that I must find my way and work towards it. No more laziness, nor procrastination, nor loneliness, nor resignation, nor irresponsibility.
I’m between stations right now. I want to arrive to my station.