December 26th Unknown time
You can’t sleep. Your head works like a zapping Tv showing images of your past life and relationships all over again. The Tv overheats, you begin to sweat, it’s too hot, so you get out of bed.
You see an actual tv’s lights blinking out of your sister’s bedroom at this time of night so you go there to tell her, middle asleep, to turn it off. She doesn’t want to turn it off and her as always when I tell her to not do something, she answers “Look who’s talking, you always go to bed late so why can’t?” Checkmate.
The only option besides hitting her for her ad hominem is unplugging the Tv and leaving her room knowing that she will plug it again and turn the Tv on. I feel little. Not even my sister respects me. I can’t order her nothing. “Look who’s talking”. “Perla, turn your Tv off now”. “Why”. “Beacause I say it”. That would be the order of things.
I have no self respect. I’m worst than the last year. I’m on the bed again punching the pillows with a silenced anger. I scream silently. Sometimes I would like to have the “shit kicked out” of me. I’d like to go out to the street and lose a fight like on Fight Club.
I’m a “Damaged Good”, as I used to tell to this girl that I met on Transmilenio. Another year has arrived: 2012. Some insane people say it’s the “World end”, “The last new year”. I don’t fucking know what to do with my life. I cannot write a “step by step guide”. I’ve been postponing writing my “lifeplan” for years. Sometimes I feel that I go to the University just for the sake of doing something. My grades are mediocre, I’m a gray and invisible average character who may spend days without having any conversation with someone. Most of the time I feel tired. I’m no longer social. My future is a “maybe”, as I told to this great lawyer who said that I was going to be successful.
What am I doing with my life? My life is zapping in my mind, my life is skipping the time like on this Adam Sandler’s movie “Click”. I feel like a zombie. When I go out (not often), I’m usually half asleep, the colors aren’t that vivid. It’s unreal. I’m a zapping tv that needs a punch to have it’s signal fixed. [I was going to write “a spank”, but I think it would have left room for your perverted homo erotic misrepresentations].